Dream Life

                                                                                                                      He works.                    She works.                 they split bills.             his hobbies are video games.         her hobbies are reading and Facebook.          he leaves her alone to her hobbies.          she leaves her alone to her hobbies. at night time they watch illegally downloaded movies together                 or stream one on Netflix.                  she makes him a sandwich.                   he gives her a back rub.      they joke about how the people they know ae stupid.        he tells her about how annoying her friends are.           she tells him how annoying his friends are.                     they laugh together.                  then they have amazing sex.   days off are spent surfing the web together , playing games together.       or occasionally going outside to do stuff like:           get coffee and make fun of strangers.      eat toge

                                            I worried a lot. Will the garden grow, will the rivers flow in the right direction, will the earth turn as it was taught, and if not how shall I correct it? Was I right, was I wrong, will I be forgiven, can I do better? Will I ever be able to sing, even the sparrows can do it and I am, well, hopeless. Is my eyesight fading or am I just imagining it, am I going to get rheumatism, lockjaw, dementia? Finally I saw that worrying had come to nothing. And gave it up. And took my old body and went out into the morning, and sang.

                                                           I'VE LEARNED that I cannot keep making homes in other people.   I tend to wear their words   as rose colored glasses, and hang onto hopes that one day they'll deem me worthy of staying.        See I thought, that maybe if I tended to their gardens,   If I loved them hard enough,  or cared for them through thick and thin,       that eventually     it would be reciprocated.   Because that's all we really want right? For someone to love us just as much as we love                    them.            To be shown we matter.                be respected,                  cared for. But that's the problem with planting parts of      yourself in other people, you can become a stranger in a home that you     thought could be yours, and then be left feeling vulnerable and broken    once you get the eviction notice.      So now I'm learning,  how to tend to my own garden. plant seeds that one day will grow into        ma

                               I think about you as I write. I worry about what I'm saying or not saying. I worry about what you must think of me when you read this, because we both know you still do. Although  maybe not for much longer.  Or may be you always will. I think about how this will eventually stop. This constant urge to tell you everything on my mind. Like how a lot of wonderful things have happened recently. Like how I can't watch Austin power movies anymore. Like every time it rains , and I mean REALLY rains, I think about how we could've made that kiss better. I think about the way you used to look at me. How once upon a time every secret  held a gem, or how I never stopped loving your laugh. NO matter where I hear it. It still made me smile. I know this will stop. It always does. But I'm allowed to miss you. Or rather this idea of you I created . I'm allowed to be angry. I'm allowed to walk through each memory and keep hold of the small treasures,

                                            You told me your favorite colors were red and purple so i dressed in those colors my dresses carried red ribbons and my eyeshadow glistened in purple but you began to use me as your canvas you'd leave purple marks onmy skin and sometimes when you were livid you'd vibrate red and red would trickle down my lips but i knew you loved me so i let you use me as your canvas and then one day i lay on the floor in a pool of red and you began to laugh oh you're running why are you running my chest is hurting i thought you loved red i thought you loved me your favorite colors were red and purple

                                         I want us to talk again the way we used too when the sun was coming up, and we were a millions miles away from anywhere. I want us to talk again about all the things we would think about , yet never thought to say out loud to anyone else. I want us to talk again, like the way we did before we wanted to do anything more than that I want us to talk And if we never talk again, I want you to know that I miss that most of all and every time the sun goes down, I think of all the things I wish I could tell you.

                                         I have been lonely for a while now. I used to say it's because I loved my solitude and independence. I'm Thirty-one now and I don't think loneliness is cutting it anymore. Curious cat. I wonder if I live like this because my days may be numbered? Or do I live this because I'm fucked up in the head? I'm better alone. I'm better alone. I'm better alone. I'm better alone. I'm better alone. BUT if you keep telling yourself you're bird, one day you'll think you can fly. Fighting the urge to disappear, fighting the emotions when I get involved with someone. Reminding myself it's okay to like someone, yet still screaming in my head " None of this means anything, they're just nice and even if they did, you don't deserve it!" Stop being happy. stop being happy. Stop being happy. Stop being happy. Stop being happy. Stop being happy. I become this dragon people are afraid of, protecting what

  She speaks to me fondly of passions and talents,      guitars and stars,      then stops short  and apologies for speaking at all. All because somewhere in her life, someone she loved broke her heart by ignoring her beautiful words      and telling her to         shut up,        keep it down,       nobody cares.    People aren't born sad.    We make them that way.

                                           I remember the times i visited your mind, i walked inside but didn't get very far. you have put up so many roadblocks to stop people from knowing who you are. but there are parts you've told me before, please don't think I'll ever forget. i may forget your birthday or number of siblings but I'll remember what makes you happy and upset. they say a man's mind has many rooms and you've said there's a locked one for me. you've told me some of what's beyond the door but I'd much rather you gave me the key. I guess you aren't the only one who hides things- there is so much about you i've left unsaid but you don't understand the grawing frustration of wanting to know all the thoughts in your head. I know you have many shadowed thoughts I've walked the beginning of that track but i want to know your darkest thoughts too i'm not afraid to walk in the pitch black. i think the path you try t

                                              The sun is rising slowly From behind the hills In the moment you wake up The day begins You wish the streets were empty So you could hear your thoughts But instead , they are crowded Yet you feel alone The city of dreamers Where everyone wants To have a perfect life So they sell their souls At the end of the day Everyone is alone Fighting their own demons Behind the closed doors When you are by yourself At the end of the day All your fears are gone And you are dreaming again The moon is shining bright But no one is asleep In the land full of people Who follow their dreams

                                                To have loved and lost To have it took away To have had a love That could not stay To feel so high Then feel so low To have it there And see it go To be so happy you could almost cry To be so sad you could almost die To have been loved  And that love be gone To feel that you just can't go on There's no worse feeling No worse pain The physical ache The emotional drain To have loved and lost There's nothing worse It's feels just like a permanent curse You lose more than a love When it ends you lose your soulmate Your best friend It can't be replaced  It can't be rewound You will stay lost Until your re-found

                                          Anxiety hold me, tightly. It creeps in , ever so slightly, Sometimes whispers, Sometimes yells, But it will be heard. I believe I am strong, But oh, how I am wrong, Self-doubt, negativity and hurt, To name a few, The list goes on, It's easy for anxiety to do. Punch to the gut. Head constructs, Terrible thoughts. Stare at the mirror And see my flaws, Disgusted and ashamed of my reflection. Anxiety through my eyes, And out of my mouth. Boss me around. Toss words without care, Watch them unravel. I listen, unable, to take control. Anxiety holds power. Insecurity runs deep, Permanent scars, no one can see. Anxiety presses upon my chest, I sometimes wonder , am I possessed? But then I remember, I am depressed and stressed. It waits, it creeps in, Ever so slightly, Anxiety holds me, tightly.

                                                                             A bird came down the walk He did not know I saw He bit an angle-worm in halves And ate the fellow , raw, And then he drank a Dew From a convenient Grass, And then hopped sidewise to the wall To let a Beetle pass He glanced with rapid eyes That hurried all around They look like frightened Beads , I thought He stirred his Velvet Head Like one in danger, Cautious I offered him a Crumb, And he unrolled his feathers And rowed him softer home Than Oars divide the Ocean, Too silver for a seam Or Butterflies, off Banks of Noon, Leap, splash less as they swim.

                                             They say there is a reason. They say that time will heal, But neither time nor reason, Will change the way we feel. For no-one knows the heartache, That lies behind our smiles, No-one knows how many times, We have broken down and cried. Gone from home that smiling face, Those cheerful, happy ways, The heart that won so many friends, I bygone Happy days. We want to tell you something. So there won't be any doubt. You're so wonderful to think of, But so hard to be without. We cannot bring the old days back. When we were all together. The family chain is broken now, But memories live forever.

                                     I know that I don't own you, and perhaps I never will, So my anger when you're with her, I have no right to feel. I know that you don't owe me, and I shouldn't ask for more; I shouldn't feel so let down, all the times when you don't call. What I feel- I shouldn't show you, so when you're around I won't ; I know I've no right to feel it- but it doesn't mean I don't.

                                 I'm not perfect , I'm me. I've made bad decisions and wrong choices, but I'm me. I've said the wrong things, I've said the right things, because I'm me. I don't like everything I've done, but I did it because I'm me. I've loved the wrong people and I'm still me. If I had the chance to start again, I wouldn't change a thing . Why? Because I'm me. There are a lot of good things about me, you just need to look past the imperfections to see what's right. If  you can't do that then it's your loss. I'm the best I can be. I am ME.

                                             I miss the excitement, I miss having arms around me, As our laughs twirl through the air, I miss the way a touch can speak, when words aren't enough How hands become artists, painting my body, From head to toe, Caressing my face, Tracing my spine; It made me feel alive; But now, I'm scared of being touched, And not because their touch hurt, But because of how much it hurts, When their touch stops.

                                                   Our lives are one big puzzle, We don't know how many pieces we've got, There are people that fit in quite nicely, And people who try but do not, We're constantly adding more pieces, All the memories of things we've been through, We add laughter and tears and adventure, And the lessons we've learnt to be true, Everyone has their own puzzle, There will be ones where you do not fit, Don't you ever dare make your piece smaller, Just so you can live there for a bit, If you keep cutting off all your edges, One day you won't recognize what you see, And you'll forget the person you once were, Before the world told you who you should be, Make the most of each piece in your puzzle, It'll be a grand masterpiece when it's done, So you won't have to look back when it's over And realize you've left out the sun

                                                                       My silence means I am tired of fighting and now there is nothing left to fight for. My silence means I am tired of explaining my feelings to you, but now I don't have the energy to explain them anymore. My silence means I have adapted to the changes in my life and I don't want to complain. My silence means I am on self healing process and I am trying to forget everything I ever wanted from you. My silence means I am just trying to move on gracefully with all  my dignity.

                                       I want routine with you. I want waking up in a morning to the sun shining or the rain pouring with you, I want home  with you. I want late night tv and too much to drink with you. I want slow dancing in our living room. in our house, in our home with you. I want you.

                                            I am not the first person you loved. You are not the first person I looked at with a mouthful of forever's, we have both known loss like the sharp edges of a knife. We have both lived with lips more scar tissue than skin. Our love came unannounced in the middle of the night. Our love came when we'd given up on asking love to come, I think that has to be part of its miracle. This is how we heal. I will kiss you like forgiveness. You will hold me like I'm hope. Our arms will bandage and we will press promises between us like flowers in a book. I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat on your skin. I will write novels to the scar of your nose. I will write a dictionary of all the words I have used trying to describe the way it feels to have finally, finally found you. And I will not be afraid of your scars. I know sometimes it's still hard to let me see you  in all your crached perfection, but please know; whether it's the d

                                     If you go outside at night, After the world has gone to sleep, You can hear the planet sigh, Under the secrets it can't keep, And the wind sings different tunes, To all the ones you hear by day, As though it's choking on the words, That we're all to afraid to say, And I wonder at the problems, We've tried to melt inside its core, Whether it's packed so close to bursting, That it can't hold many more For how can we see it's weakness, When we've not known something so strong, And if it weeps and we can't hear it, Does that mean there's nothing wrong?

                                  I was the type of person, That held onto things too tight, Unable to release my grip, When it no longer felt right, And although it gave me blisters, And my fingers would all ache, I always thought that holding on, Was worth the pain it takes, I used to think in losing things, I'd lose part of me too, That slowly I'd become someone, My heart no longer knew, Then one day something happened, I dropped what I had once held dear, But my soul became much lighter, Instead of filled with fear, And it taught my heart that some things, Aren't meant to last for long, They arrive to teach you lessons, And then continue on, You don't have to cling to people, Who no longer make you smile, Or do something you've come to hate, If it isn't worth your while, That sometimes the thing you're fighting for, Isn't worth the cost, And not everything you ever lose, Is bound to be a loss.

  Let's run away together, away from city lights, Where no-one knows our names yet, And we can see the stars at night, We'll camp out on the open, Warming cold skin by the fire, Tell each other hopes and dreams, And all of our desires, We'll own nothing more than we need, Watch sunrise colour the sky, Learn what we're really here for, Away from society's eyes, This journey will be scary, But we'll leave without a plan, And I know it will be alright, As long as you're holding my hand.

                             One day, you're going to wake up and your heart won't be beating out of your chest for all of the wrong reasons. One day you're going to cook breakfast to your favorite song and you're not going to feel like the walls are closing in on you.  One day you're going to recognize the person looking back at you, because you changed. You survived even when it didn't feel like you were capable of doing so, even when life was confusing and messy and nothing made sense. You fought, you kept going, and that is the single greatest reality of moving forward; that is the incredible outcome of weathering the hardest parts of your journey. Even when it didn't feel like it- you were growing.

                                             What is love? The way the sun sets so that the moon can shine. The sea greeting the shore no matter how many time he is pushed away.  Leaves that blush at the sight of autumn. Dreams that show you the ways out of your maze. Our hearts together so that we may remember the tune. This is how love might feel for most people, but for me, love is simply you.

                                                   They say that happiness will find you, But I think sadness finds you too, It sneaks up on you in darkness, Just when you think you've made it through, It opens holes in what was solid ground, The kind you never know are there, Until you go to take another step, And find you're standing over air, The world around you passes by, In blurs of colour and sound, Nothing around you making sense, As you continue your plummet down, You can't remember how it started, And you don't know when it will end, But you know that you'd give anything, To stand up on your feet again, Sadness is that feeling, When the falling doesn't stop, And it saps your life of meaning, And all the good things that you've got, So when you finally hit rock bottom, And you look back up at the sky, What you once had seems so far away, The only thing left to do is cry, People all yell out " save yourself"' Calling things about "

In a sea of strangers,      you've longed to know me.      your life spent sailing      to my shores. The arms that yearn      to someday hold me,      will ache beneath      the heavy oars. Please take your time      and take it slowly;      as all you do      will run its course. And nothing else      can take what only-      was always meant      as solely yours.  

                                           I want to be, special for someone. So that I never feel alone- Two arms holding me tight, And forever keep me close. I want to find the missing colors, For my life is black and white. Someone crawling in my thoughts When I try to sleep at night. I want to find the wandering feet That with mine will walk the world. Someone warm against my skin When the winter nights are cold. And forever keep me close Two arms holding me tight, So that I never feel alone- I want to be, Your special one.

                                      Trust me when I say- when it is right, everything that you love ruthlessly will love you back with the same conviction. Trust me when I say - when it is right, the things you reach in life, the things you deeply hope for, they will reach back, And I promise you, when that happens you will understand that all of the things you ached for that did not work out, all of the hearts that failed to appreciate the home you made for them inside of yourself, they were not there things that broke you, or ruined you, or made you less worthy. No, instead, you will see that they built you. They taught you about yourself. They led you to the person you were born to be, and they guided you to the person you were meant to be with. They shaped you. They challenged you. They grew you.

                                               Over the years I have had to learn to become my own best friend. There were many nights I spent crying myself to sleep, sad and lonely with almost every given heartache. Over time I realized that I had to learn to comfort myself to overcome the pain. It's a process, and I'm still learning how to do it, but I've gotten so much better. I can honestly say that I am my own best friend.

                                                You have to chase the things that ignite you. You have to do the things that bring you joy. You have to surround yourself with the people who bring you back home to yourself, with the people who respect you and embrace you in ways that make you feel like you are worthy and accepted and loved . You have to do the work to heal yourself, even when it hurts- especially when it hurts, so that you do not continue to approach your life within the boundary of what is heavy within you. You have to put yourself out there, and you cannot worry about what other people think, you cannot rob yourself of experience or happiness or inspiration because you are scared of how you will be perceived . You have to be believe that your ideas, and your hope, and your being , deserve to take up space. You have to believe that you have purpose. Because our existence is finite. and as hard as that is to understand, as hard as that can be to connect with , from time

                                               Love a girl who writes        and live her many lives;        you have yet to find her,        beneath her words of guise. Kiss her blue inked fingers,        forgive the pens they marked.        The stain of your lips upon her-        the one she can't discard. Forget her tattered memories,        or the pages others took;        you are her ever after-        the hero of her book.

                                 One day when you wake up, You will find that you've become a forest. You've grown roots and found strength in them that no one thought you had. You have become stronger and more beautiful, full of life giving qualities. You have learned to take all the negativity around you and turn it into oxygen for easy breathing. A host of wild creatures live inside you and you call them stories. A variety of beautiful birds nest inside your mind  and you call them memories. You have become an incredible self sustaining thing of epic proportions. And you should be so proud of yourself, of how far you have come from the seeds of who you used to be.

                                        I have many sides but which one is the                       original? I go by many different names but which                         one is mine? I hear so many voices my own was lost in                the echo's years ago My memories feel like that of a stranger's  I can't seem to remember people I'm                  supposed to know I feel like I'm going crazy yet to others it's                     all just a show My heart is going numb from all the pain                    it feels constantly And it seems that the more I'm searching,  The more I'm losing myself entirely.

                                                 It's been a while since words have found me,    the time between - you'll come and go;    I'd grown to love the sun around me,    I've been a stranger to my woe. It's been so long since there was silence,    all around me, your voice had rung;    like a bird who sings, to greet the morning,    to tell you that the day has come.   It's been some time since I've felt lonely,     like a book that is, no longer read;     the darkness lingers on, without you,     it fills my empty heart with dread. It seems an age ago, since you have left me,     time has filled me, with words unsaid;     as the sadness seeps into me slowly,     and I am left to face the night ahead.

                              Some feelings and few people Have the power to make us whole. Others are like weapons- Lethal guests that shatter our soul. Have you ever been so broken; That acid tears burn your hopes? Have you ever had the doubt; Chase the horizon or live like a ghost? When flowers bloom from a broken heart; From the labyrinths within its core. What essence do they have? How Far their stem can go? If you can hear me, my darling I can tell you what I know. Some blossoms have the scent of melancholia Unable to reach the surface( afraid to grow). Others are bathed in new beginnings; Eager to reach, the light of the sun.

                                If you knock on my hear once You'll hear the hollow cries And the echoes of the whispers Of a girl who used to fly If you knock on my heart twice You just might hear the story Of a girl who loved the ones Who stripped her of her glory If you knock on my heart thrice You'll find out crumpled soul But do not be too upset If you cannot make it whole For there are so many people Who've torn me inside out And the ones who try to heal me Have there eyes etched with doubt I'm like a broken doll My only sounds are tinned And the badges of my solitude Over my chest they are pinned I know that I'm almost gone That my heart is like a grain But there's something you can do That'll make music once again Knock on it ten times more You'll hear the tune of a song Of a girl who loves to soar

                                  The free bird leaps on the back of the wind and floats downstream till the current ends and dips his wings in the orange sun rays and dares to claim the sky. But a bird that stalks down his narrow cage can seldom see through his bars of rage his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing. The caged bird sings with fearful trill of the things unknown but longed for still and his tune is heard on the distant hill for the caged bird sings of freedom The free bird thinks of breeze an the trade winds soft through the sighing trees and the fat worms waiting on a dawn bright lawn and he names the sky his own. But a caged bird stand on the grave of dreams his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing The caged bird sings with a fearful trill of things unknown but longed for still and his tune is heard n the distant hill for the caged bird sings of freedom

                                            I was never meant  to be kept in a  cage or anything that resembles one. I was never meant  to be trapped or enslaved by anything. including my fears or my addictions. I am not just meant  to fly...I am meant to soar. I must remember to  never let anything  enslave me. My life is too important. I am brave girl I was born to fly free.

                                                       So many people walk this earth, With purpose in their eyes, But in their heart of hearts they know, What they're living is a lie, The alarm goes off at 6am, Like every other day, So they can walk into a job they hate, Because they need the pay, All time does is take from them, But it never seems to give, Always waiting for the day to come, When they finally start to live, I'm all too scared that one day soon, I'll become just like the rest, Only walking with crowd, Because my dreams have been oppressed, That one day I'll look back on life, At the opportunities that I missed, And realize I never truly lived, All I did was just exist.