Dream Life

  At the end of the day, I just want to be proud of the person I have become. I want to be proud of the love I gave- of the way in which I risked my heart despite being hurt. I want to be proud of the effort I showed those I cared about; I want to know with a ruthless certainty that I showed up as much as I could, that I made people feel seen, that I made those around me feel less alone in this chaotic world. I want to be proud of my life - of the way I healed, of the way I made mis- takes and learned from them, of the way I felt every- -thing even when it wasn't convenient or comfortable. I want to be proud of the way I grew, of the way I let go, of the way I pushed myself to be a better person. At the end of the day, I just want to be able to say without hesitation that I lived my life, that I did not just take  a back seat to my pain, or to my flaws, or to whatever  hardships came my way. I want to be able to say that I am proud of the way I survived. I want to be able...

                                      you are not a bad person but there were some things that broke you. and sometimes a broken spirit does things that even they, themselves do not quite understand. like hurt the ones they love the most. like build walls. like pretend that they do not care when inside they are quietly weeping. i know. you have seen the depths of some terrible places. things that took every ounce of peace from your body and sacrificed it at the altar of survival. but you have known soft  breezes too. the ones that whispered their silences into nape of your neck and told you not let go. there is still breath in your lungs and a fire that's burning. hold on to that glow. hold on.

                                           Honor the little girl inside of you, the little girl that was abused, hurt, abandoned, who felt she was never enough. Let her feel safe, let her  know she is loved, tell her everyday. Make her feel so special, she deserves it, keep her clean and warm and nourish her with the nutritious foods. Let her feel free. Let her embrace the  things she loved doing, skating in the park, jumping on the trampoline, painting, running, swimming, making sandcastles, girly sleepovers, making stories, playing dressup. It might sound silly, it might sound irrelevant but honouring the little kid inside of you is going to bring you so much joy and fulfilment. That little version of you, still exists, and deserves to be honoured. Give yourself the love and care, and joy that was stolen from you as a child.

                                                                                  The sky is so tragically beautiful It is the graveyard of stars; It doesn't hurt but it leaves the scars, Not just on mind but the whole human soul Not just it control, but the heart that it stole. Maybe that's what life has to  give, But this should not stop you to relive! Cause without pain, How would you know joy; It builds you up and just believe, that it does not destroy. All you need to have is faith, Cause once it was said that life is 'fickle finger of fate', Believe in yourself because you yourself are your true mate.

The passengers on the train are seemingly going to the same destination as you, but based on their belief that the train will get them to their desired destination they will stay on the ride or they will get off somewhere during the trip.           People can and will get off at any stop. Just know that where people get off is more of a reflection on them, than it is on you. There will be a few people in your life that will make the whole trip with you, who believe in you, accept that you are human and that mistakes will be made along the way, and that you will get to your desired destination- together, no matter what.             Be very grateful of these people. They are rare and when you find one, don't let go of them-ever.   Be blessed for the ones who get on at the worst stops when   no one is there. Remember those people, they are special.            Always hold them dear to your heart. ...

                                     they warn us to not make homes out of people. they say it will hurt too much while the're gone. but what are these beating hearts good for if not to be a place for others to belong? my heart is a home with many rooms with empty spaces for people to stay, and sometimes we are lucky and find ones who remain with us even when they are away. i'm forever making homes out of people, scattering bits of myself in the ones i trust. and yes, it's messy but trust me it's better than keeping them to myself collect dust. there are parts of others you need to take care of and parts of yourself you need to give, and while missing people is like being homesick, i think this is how we are meant to live. because we all have certain people that for some reason feel like the safety of home. it's true that withoutt them you might feel lonely but at least you are not doing life ...

                                          Anxiety hold me, tightly. It creeps in , ever so slightly, Sometimes whispers, Sometimes yells, But it will be heard. I believe I am strong, But oh, how I am wrong, Self-doubt, negativity and hurt, To name a few, The list goes on, It's easy for anxiety to do. Punch to the gut. Head constructs, Terrible thoughts. Stare at the mirror And see my flaws, Disgusted and ashamed of my reflection. Anxiety through my eyes, And out of my mouth. Boss me around. Toss words without care, Watch them unravel. I listen, unable, to take control. Anxiety holds power. Insecurity runs deep, Permanent scars, no one can see. Anxiety presses upon my chest, I sometimes wonder , am I possessed? But then I remember, I am depressed and stressed. It waits, it creeps in, Ever so slightly, Anxiety holds me, tightly.