Dream Life

                                                       I want you to stay Don't leave me here alone I want you to stay I cannot let you go   I'm calling out your name I'm trying to be okay I'm crying on my bed Who said that I'll be okay?   Cuz I know that love is pain Please don't go away from me again Promise me that you'll come back I can't stop loving you again   Loving you again Again Loving you again Again

                                        a secret? i miss you the most when it rains. it reminds me of the spotted umbrella i used to carry everywhere. how when it started to rain you would run up behind me like a bird seeking shelter. and how i would tip the umbrella your way- make room for you in more ways than one. a secret? i scarcely carry an umbrella these days. most of the time, i'm too tired to run for cover, too tired to keep missing you like i do. when it rains i always lose my balance- alwyas trip up somewhere down memory lane. and my heart ends up soaking like wet socks from a puddle i didn't see coming. a secret? i saw you coming. i just wanted another excuse to walk you home.

                                            'It's okay' She whispers to herself. 'It's okay' But is it? She gave everything she had to others. She carved her own soul for the people around her. But now, when she needs the same, she has no one to turn to. No one will rescue them. So she sits on the floor, telling herself 'it's okay' knowing it'd not, knowing it will never be. Didn't I tell you, my love? You're all alone.

                                     To you, love was about multitudes. To me, love was inordinate.        I love you, I would say.        How much? You would ask. I couldn't find the words to answer you then. But they have found their way to me since. And this is what I would tell you. I would blanket the world in utter darkness; I would pull back the veil of light and reveal to you, a blinding crescendo of stars. I would drain all the seas and ask you to count-  one by one- every grain of sand that clings to the ocean floor. I would tally the beat of every human heart that has echoed since the dawn of our becoming. And as you look in awe at the sheer magnitude of my admission, I would take your hand in mine and tell you; if only you had let me, this is how much I could have loved you.

  I lend everone my ear, But nobody my heart, And I sure would like to change that, But I don't know where to start, I smile more to myself, Than the world will ever see, Because the only time my smile is real, Is in my own company, People don't know how I feel, They never even ask, It seems that I have fooled them all, They can't see past my mask, If they were with me late at night, When the world was still asleep, Maybe then I'd let them sort, Through the secrets that I keep, But when I wake at 2am, Nobody is ever there, And I learnt that why I hide my heart, Is because no-one really cares.

                                               Either peace or happiness, let it enfold you When I was a young girl I felt these things were dumb, unsophisticated. I had bad blood, a twisted mind, a precarious upbringing I was hard as granite, I  leered at the sun. I trusted no woman and especially no man. I was living a hell in amm rooms, I broke things, smashed things, walked through glass, cursed. I challenged evrything, was continually being evicted , jailed , in and  out of fights, in and out of my mind. men were something to screw and rail at , I had no female friends. I changed jobs and cities, I hated holidays, babies, history, newspapers, museums, grandmothers, marriage, movies, spiders, garbagemen, english accents, spain, france, italy, walnuts and the colos orange. algebra angred me, opera sickened me, charlie chaplin was a fake and flowers were fo...

                              I'm going to love you in your weakest moments to your strongest ones.  I'm going to love you when you're happy and I'm going to still love you the most when you're sad. Don't you understand? I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere I want to love you, each and every piece of you. I want you with your imperfections as much as I want you for you.  And I'm always going to be here loving you with everything.