Jan 3, 2023 : Deep Conversation

 

Am i the one who is creating disturbance in my own life. Like see what my best friend ashi is struggling with , not having person who can match the vibe that she always wants in her life. But look at me i am the one who is running away from this.

                                           

Actually its not so....

I also want to go for party with my friends and family, even want to dance carefree and specially till next day or till my last breath . I would like to taste all dishes , like to dress everyday just like an model and a long drive with loud music where i can sing out loudly too. But everything with in zone of safe n controlled.

I dont want myself to be kept in situation , where i have to face something odd and specially which against my will. Dont want to be part of crowd where any moment they can lose control and strat behaving inappropriately. 

I dont want Weak Moments... i passed through this situation and let me tell you , this kind hangover is so tiring. You need to much strength to overcome this phace of your life. I am a weak person, because last time or i can say my first and last time , gave me a lesson that dont you ever repeat this thing.

I cried over months...it made sleepless all nights. 

The scary dream which i can see from open eyes....and break my aura that I'm a strongest person who can deal with any situation, but never will make any mistake. Specially which happened because of weak moment....

No way...

Not even i want myself to be situation where i feel like being spoiler of party environment . Generally till this moment of my life when i entered in year 2023 , i am clearly aware that , Yes ! It's me --- The party spoiler .

I dont want to eat....

I dont want to play....

I dont want to drink.....

I cant stay out , at this time

I want to go home....

I am not this type person....

I cant talk.....

I have nothing to say....

I am listening...

I dont want click pictures....

I am happy at here.. alone....enjoying own company....

I dont want to get marry... but im seeing people....

I am not settle yet...so I still need some time...

I have not lived my life yet , how I can plan to settle...

Some dues are there....so after that...

I dont want to see any unknown person...not even i can initiate ....nor i can join any ongoing conversation....

I am not the right person for anyone....

I need time to think about it....

Why.....is it me only...or ....I dont know?

I had fight or i can say verbal but extreme argument with the people whom with i can go out . Those people are the only and close one who supports me to do hangouts and do parties, and specially do whatever i want. 

But i messed it up.

I dont know, but every time they keep repeating that what ever im doing right now is not correct. And It will definitely land me  in situation where my all future become insecure. 

They say every time , that i am not and self-depended person. I cant do anything at my own. 

But that  is not true. last from ten year im running behind my dream and always trying to make everything right in my own way. But they dont like it.

I know that they are the one, who never question me for being modern and approaching life in new way, but with this they need solid confirmation that i strictly follow their path and do each step after giving them proper details.

They must be concern about me, but man how its possible, when i even dont know that what would be my next step.

I am totally clueless about my next moment.....

But now what, the time has gone. And thanks to me that i messed it up.

And truly i dont want to make any apology for what ever i have done. Because i need space...at least for sometime.  

So at last i can say loudly and with full of confidence.. That im , because its what i can do with me and my life...

With no regret.